valentine

Was it all worth it? I have been having the most terrible month ever.. while celebrating my fren's bday.. i initally dun wish to go.. but after she pursaded me countless times.. i decided hell wif it.. and i went.. her bf was there.. i finally met her bf.. actually i knew him.. nt as in buddy buddy but i seen him in sch b4.. in fact i taught him in cca b4 i tink.. my heart was terribly heavy tat day.. she asked me y i looked so tired.. i mangaed to fake a smile say i'm just beat. they were lookin fine and cozy as bf&gf shud.. but it oni make me feel more terrible.. sumhow i managed to switched channels and luff along to idiotic things.. play along sum kiddy stuff which i used to detest. he held her hands and hold her close.. i duno which is more inviting.. being there or just jump frm the 12 storey dwn. sumtimes i noe she is da most blur and slow to catch on type of gal.. but.. argh lets not get there..for her i sacrificed alot of stuff.. my time.. (i lied when i say i very free) my money (secretly bought stuff for her claiming i hab no use for the items).. helpin her in everyway i can.. i tink mayb tat makes me feel kinda impt u noe.. all my life i was alone.. everytime sch's over i wud not wana return home.. cos no1's there all my frens leaved me.. each had their own path to take.. me? i'm just a lost lamb X_X recently.. she has nt been picking up my calls or returnin my smses.. i start to wonder did she forget her promise as nt to neglect me or gibe me a cold shoulder.. did i outlive my usefulness?? i am god damn confused right now.. i dun even have the mood to play any games.. just lie on my bed and stare at the sky..(mayb a bit too much.. after all i am typing this in frnt of my com) but thats wad i'm gonna do ltr. its like she noes or duno how i feel everytime.. once she asked me y do u help me so much? how was i suppose to ans? tat i luv u? tat i care? how can i ans that knowing full well wad she will do.. in da past she wud avoid me and treat me like an alien.. tok abt shame.. sigh.. am i realli dat bad? y she gave all others a chance cept me? dun i deserve an equal chance? haven i done enuff? wad more must i undertake to be able to hold her?? god pls.. pls gibe me a sign.. save me frm my own destruction.if i meet god 1 day i will ask him this qns.. there are more den a million women out there.. and more den 25% are beautiful and with good figures.. y did i choose to luv a girl such as her? frankly speaking she's nt the most beautiful.. nor is she the most *bodyful* sry for the wrd :P (made up by me) but the feeling i have from her is the strongest i ever had for any female. after all i liked and luv her ever since i 1st met her in secondary 2 i was 2 yrs her senior den.. tat time i 1st saw her was at a sports meet.. i noticed her cos of her cute hair.. bunched up like chun li.. heh.. slowly i get to noe her name.. tat time she was my fren's "god sis" and he kinda like her.. so he asked me wad to do in mirc.. i told him the method.. yet imagine the shock when she came find me in mirc to chat.. slowly i get to noe her better bit by bit..i still saved the email msges tat we conversed last time.. and imagine the pain when she say she clean forgotten everything tat has happened.. though i told her no worries.. but how unknowing a girl can get? i meet her face to face wif my other fren and we went to farmmart cos i use to wrk there.. show her the puppies and dogs.. *sigh* now our 1st actual "date" was at causeway point i rem she tied a ponytail. and she wore a white blouse as for bottom i fergotten.. i only i keep lookin into her eyes.. and always find myself lost in them.. lots of guys at causeway pt keep lookin at her as well.. blah.. when she broke up wif an arsehole tat quite clearly i haven forgiven till now.. i was there to console her brought her out to cheer her up.. which she clearly forgotten also.. only this yr did we get close enuff to be "close frens" now i noe wad i actually mean to her and it was so minute.. i was oni a fragment of memory in her mind till now.. tat is soo soo sad..i did try to moved on.. but its just tat.. my mind keeps thinking of her.. even in my slp i whisper her name i swear.. my mum can vouched for that :X my mum asked me not to b 3rd party, i told her nt to worry, nt like i could anyways.. lookin at the current situation tat is..right now my heart is saying.. if there is to be sum1 hurt.. might as well b me.. i can't let her cry or sad again.. i can only suffer silently and welcome her wif a usual cranky smile and a hearty luff in msn or outside ^^ pray i can get use to it.. *sighz* thx to any1 whu is readin this.. i feel much better after letting few yrs of grudges out *domo* ^^ btw happy vesak day~ :P

Shawn

Shawn Says

Jana~ 2:12 AM